Learning on the job: The Tumuramyes love story

1.   

How did you meet? When?

Dickson: We met on June 11, 2009 at Phidam House, the then National Office of Compassion International.  We both were working with Compassion assisted projects (Prim in Rukungiri district and Dickson in Mitooma district). I initiated the conversation by asking her name, where she worked and who she had come to see. I was intrigued by her patience – she sat calmly for hours, not pacing the corridors showing any signs of agitation like any typical person would do when not served immediately. When she was leaving, I asked for her contact, promising that I would call her occasionally. At that point, I didn’t have any thoughts of pursuing her for a relationship. It was an honest ask.

Prim: My supervisor at the Compassion national office had taken leave, and Dickson’s supervisor was standing in for him. Coincidentally, that day we had come to see the same person unknowingly. We took quite some time in the lobby, waiting for Dickson’s supervisor who had been invited for an emergency meeting. Out of curiosity, Dickson asked why I was seated, laid back without a bother on the time I had already spent in waiting.  I told him that the person I was meant to see was held up in a meeting. On mentioning the name of the person, I had come to see, he indicated that he had come to see the same person. We started chatting and he asked for my contacts since in our conversation he had established that I was working with some of his friends. I gave him the contact because I just wanted to be courteous since he had been a kind stranger during the time of waiting. I also had a big bag which he had offered to carry for me to the cab at the time of leaving.

2    What drew you to her?

Dickson: We are both born again Christians, and we had similar interests for ministry. Right from our conversation, I could see Prim’s clear commitment to evangelism and the love of Christ. It was also crystal clear that she loved children, not just because she was working with a child focused organisation, and that connected us very well – I had always desired to marry a woman that would love and nurture our children well if God was to bless us with them. She was also a beautiful, firm and focused young woman.

Prim: When we met, it was just another random day of meeting a kind stranger. That evening he called to establish if I had arrived at my place of aboard safely. The next day he called to find out if I intended to travel to Rukungiri the same day. Thereafter he found one reason after another to call. Three of my very close friends and work colleagues had been with him at campus. He seemed then to join our friendship circle so easily. My friends also kept talking extravagantly well of him. Before I knew it, we were sailing on the love boat. Right from the start, he was caring, confident and respected the place of a woman in the marketplace. I had seen so many men who either felt insecure with the corporate woman or mythically believed that educated women are unmanageable.

3.       Did he propose? - how was it?

Dickson: I didn’t do the typical proposal of getting on one knee and asking the million-dollar question ‘Will you marry me?’ One day over the phone I told her that I was considering graduating our relationship to marriage. She asked me to give her time to think about it and respond. Through the time of waiting for the answer, I was optimistic because she remained the same high-spirited girl that I knew.

Prim: He didn’t propose (I wish he had). However, he was behaving and acting in a way that silently communicated that the relationship was heading somewhere. I didn’t also raise the proposal expectations high then, because unlike today, little was being said about men organising flashy events to propose to a girl. The bold ones would tell you that they would like to take you for a wife, you promise to think about it and revert with an answer. Others would send friends. I think he just parabolically mentioned over the phone that we should plan on starting a family. His friends would whether intentionally or unintentionally keep mentioning that we should start a family. I guess that was the traditional proposing style then.

Dickson & Prim

4.       What was amazing about it?

Dickson: My friends who knew Prim had told me how overly principled she was, both while at university and in the marketplace. I didn’t find any challenge with that because it was confirmation that she knew her worth. I waited patiently for the answer, though my gut feeling was that we were clearly in love and she could not turn down my proposal. 

Prim: I loved the fact that I was not in a relationship to be used as a litmus test. Dickson was committed, and I wanted a committed man. Even when the proposal did not come in a way that I would have preferred, I loved the fact that he was not playing around with my emotions. I am a very structured person and always work with the end in mind, so at least I was sure of where the relationship was going.

5.       How much did it cost?

Dickson: Since I did not have an engagement event, there was no cost, save for the airtime spent on calling to ask if she would consider taking our relationship to another level. I however would continuously invest in gifts to express my love to her. One of the special gifts I gave her, which I perceived would send a clear signal was a jewellery set, composed of a necklace, earrings, and a ring!

Prim: I think it just cost him airtime and the anxiety of waiting! I gathered the courage to pierce my ears to be able to wear the earrings he had given me as a gift! I had always desired to pierce my ears but lacked the courage – the gift gave me a good push.

6.       What did they go through? Was the woman surprised; was it her kind of thing?

Dickson: Prim didn’t express surprise, right from the start she had told me that she is not into casual relationships so right from the onset I was presenting myself as one with the end of the relationship in mind – marriage. So naturally, as time went on, we both knew, even without explicitly saying it that our relationship was leading us to marriage. Now, knowing who Prim is in a better perspective, I know she would have loved a formal proposal, great photography, and a full celebration for the same. She pierced her ears to be able to adorn the earrings I had given her as a gift – I felt very special.

Prim: There was no event to celebrate, but the journey after was a memorable one. Wearing his ring was quite something.

7.       What could the guy have done better?

Dickson: Looking back, I should have formally proposed. I know Prim would have been blown away by the experience.

Prim: Getting on his knee and proposing would have been mind blowing. But again, since proposals were not as hyped as they are today, my expectations were in a good place.

8.       What is your favourite activity together?

Dickson: We like writing about parenting and preaching the word of God together. We are also involved in mentoring youth and are leaders of different marrieds’ fellowships.

Prim: I love travel, reading and writing and also passionate about mentorship of young people. We do most of these things together.

9.       How did you handle your first year of marriage?

Dickson: One week after our wedding, Prim was supposed to report for a new job posting at Uganda Christian University, Mukono while Dickson was still working in Mitooma. We would alternate during weekends to travel to visit each other. The travels were so physically draining. Later in 2011, Dickson got a job in Entebbe and that solved the challenge of long-distance marriage.

Prim: We did not stay together for the first seven months of our wedding. Sometimes it would even feel funny to say that I am married yet I only got to meet my husband on a good weekend. Other times it would be difficult to travel, so I still lived like I was single – staying alone, cooking occasionally, and the same for him too.

10  What challenges have you faced over the years?

Dickson: Like any human beings, we have different interests. For example, I am passionate about farming and Prim is not the farm kind of person. At first, I was very disturbed that she was not enthusiastic about something I invested in my all. Also being from different tribes, we had differences in perceptions and handling issues. As a Mukiga, Prim is a very straightforward person and sometimes I would be uncomfortable with her uncompromisable stance on things she doesn’t agree to. The Banyankore are not as straightforward or blunt. Prim would also be impatient with me because of this. Nonetheless, overtime we have learnt to live with each other but also understand that we are different but playing on the same team.

Prim: Coming from different cultures, we naturally saw things in different lenses. If my answer to something was NO, I would say it right from the start. He feared that people would misunderstand me – sometimes he also did. Now he knows that I don’t have a side B. Something is either white or black – and that gives me the freedom to live without a mask. We have learnt to celebrate our differences and focus on aspects that build us, not ones that divide us.

11Which one was the most pressing?

Dickson: Every challenge, when in the heat of the moment is pressing, even if it’s a disagreement on who should switch off the lights. We have had our fair share of disagreements regarding different issues. Initially, the most pressing issue was not actually the disagreement but the fact that Prim would withdraw, not wanting to discuss the issue. With time, we both learnt that it wasn’t the issues that were destabilizing us, but the fact that because of not properly and openly talking about them on time, they would escalate into unnecessarily bigger issues. We are now deliberate in the space of handling issues as they come, however small they might be deemed. Otherwise, we have not had the major marriage killer challenges like unfaithfulness, mistrust or unopenness.

Prim: I am a sensitive person, so even little things, especially if repeatedly done would literally make me sick. I have not really had major hardships in marriage, apart from the normal disagreements, which I guess sometimes I would mismanage by not wanting to talk about and thus put a wedge on our communication. This naturally just worsens the conflict.

How did you remedy them?

Dickson: We are very accountable to our inner circle of friends, so this keeps us afloat. We are sure that if there’s any issue that fails to be resolved by the two of us, it definitely won’t survive our accountability partners.

Prim: As leaders of different fellowships, we are not only accountable to each other but also to the people that we lead. We seek counsel from our mentors by openly talking through issues but have also agreed that the power to make the marriage work lies in our hands. Our sleeves are folded, ready for the hard work.

12 How many children do you have?

We have 3 children: 2 boys and one girl.

The Tumuramyes (November 2021)

13Any additional information is highly appreciated.

We made eleven years in marriage on 20^th November 2021. What has kept us growing and glowing together is love, patience and standing on the word of God. If we said it’s been a journey devoid of challenges, we would be lying. However, we both have pledged to remain committed to our marital vows no matter the tide. 

©Prim K. Tumuramye

Prim is a Christian, wife, mother and Communications Specialist at Compassion International. She is passionate about reading, writing, youth mentorship and intentional parenting.