How to handle a disrespectful child
By Dickson Tumuramye
We know that respect is earned and not coerced on someone. When you respect yourself, you will also be respected. Therefore, children will also respect us as parents as long as we respect ourselves. But some stubborn children don’t respect their parents at all. When a child's parents tell him/her to do something or talk to them, the child shows an adamant attitude. Some children are not even remorseful when they make mistakes. Asking for an apology is not anywhere close to their lips. Your child can abuse you, call you all sorts of names, jeer at you, and even fight you.
It's hard to believe that you're doing everything you can to make this child better tomorrow, but the child doesn't seem to appreciate your efforts. Some parents are at a crossroads about what to do with their children who don’t want to listen to them. Any advice you give a child is put to waste and you are now at the point of not knowing what to do. Don’t think that you are the only one suffering through such a situation and feel like giving up. First, remember that parenting is a journey that we learn on the job. It is not for the faint-hearted.
It is very good for families to have disciplinary measures or value systems in place so that children grow up knowing what it means when such values are broken. Agree on boundaries and set limits. You should let them know what will happen if they do or refuse to do certain things. Explain to the child about life choices and consequences. You can tell them that if something is not done as expected, you will miss out on something. Use a denial disciplinary approach and take away some privileges from them especially what they like most.
A parent should take time to study the child’s behavior and learn where the problem is coming from especially if this child has not been like this before. Could there be peer influence? Is this child on drugs and other substances that disturb him/her? Is the child going through stress or depression or self-rejection and this is a manifestation? Did you mistreat this child to the point that now s/he no longer sees the reason to respect you as a parent? Could you be the problem? Are you a role model? Were you a good trainer to this child in his/her childhood?
When you read that your child is becoming disrespectful, don’t wait to escalate the situation. Handle it immediately. Warn the child and where possible take disciplinary action. The Bible says “For what son is there whom the father does not discipline?" (Hebrews 12:7b). If you refuse to discipline your children, it proves you don’t love your children; if you love your children, you will be prompt to discipline them (Proverbs 13:24 NLT).
Teach children submission at a tender age as Jesus was submissive to his parents (and he went to Nazareth with them and was submissive to them – Luke 2:51). Therefore, we should train children in the way they should go and when they grow up, they will never depart from it (Proverbs 22:6) as adults.
Some parents feel that excommunicating their child (“okucwa omwana”) from the family can solve the problem. I bet this serves the purpose well because this child is your own blood. Where will he/she go? If this child becomes a criminal, won’t you get affected? Can a mother forget her nursing child or have no compassion on the son of her womb (Isaiah 49:15)? Patience pains but pays off as the saying states. You may need God's grace to be patient with your disrespectful child. You need to know that God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear (1 Corinthians 10:13).
As a parent, never engage in a lengthy argument with your child; control your anger. Be careful not to curse your child, exercise self-control when you feel you should kill such a child, never get tired of having a one-to-one talk with such a child, avoid provoking them to anger, and don't be too harsh to them. It kills their esteem and trust in you and disrespect can be inevitable.
Jesus said that some kinds of things won’t go except by prayer and fasting (Matthew 17:21). Even when our patience is tested by our very own children, we should never give up the habit of praying and fasting for them. These children are a gift and blessing from God. Commit everything to Him. He knows how to help you in due time. Giving up is not the best option for your child. By God's grace, you will manage.
The writer is a child advocate, parenting coach, marriage counselor, and founder – Men of Purpose Mentorship Programme
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Dickson Tumuramye is also a passionate speaker on:
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