From ‘I Do’ to 14 Years: Lessons Learned and Love Renewed

 
It is November 20. The year is 2010.

The previous day had been such a fulfilling one. I had been traditionally given away in marriage. I love simplicity, so I was a stress-free bride. All I cared about was the groom showing up and being surrounded by family and friends. All the people that mattered in my life had been present. It is all that I cared about. My heart was filled with gratitude. The night had flown so fast. By 5am, I was up. I needed to embark on the journey to Bushenyi for our wedding, about 135km from my birthplace. As tradition demands, the groom, in the company of our Go-between, Rev. Didas Natweta was on time to pick me from home, together with my bridal entourage.  I remember the details of the rest of that day like it was yesterday. The disappointment of a scattered salon lady (my over trusting husband to-be had contracted one person to handle salon, cake and decoration and such a disappointment she was), the joy of being walked down the cathedral aisle and the wedding reception bustle. The events were done, and there we were, left alone to start our marriage.

I thought it would be rosy. I knew the young man I had fallen head over heels in love with. There seemed to be nothing capable of standing in the way of our rosy union. Lo, and behold, I was being young and naive. There were countless things awaiting us, to confirm that you can never fully ‘know’ a human being.

I immediately brought my perfectionism to the marriage. Hubby felt unappreciated. If you laid the bed, it had to be straight, the sheets and duvet, each neatly in their place, as though straightened with a measuring ruler. I love order.  He never seemed to appreciate that. I was sick.

‘How can a human being not see the importance of a neatly laid bed?’ I burnt with inner anger each time I found the bed not laid to my perfection standards.

‘You fuss over little things!’ he always insisted.

I died the more.

How were we going to live happily ever after, when we couldn’t agree on the small stuff? What would happen if bigger disagreements set in?

I look back at how far we have come, and I am grateful to God. Over the years, we have learnt that this union needs hard work for its maintenance. We must put in the work. The 14 years thus far have taught us amazing lessons. Key among those lessons has been the need not to take for granted the needs of the other, especially if you are able to do the simple things they perceive as important. We have learnt not to downplay the needs of the other. If the girl child loves to see a neatly laid bed, and you are the last to leave bed that day; just do it for her. Those simple things have worked magic. We have also learnt not to sweat the small stuff. There are countless things that would literally drive us crazy then, that we have deliberately denied opportunity now. We agreed that they were not the best way to spend our energies and time.

Some demands have been outrageous, but yes, the patience with which we approached them made a difference. I remember in shame how I insisted on watching a live kickboxing match between the famous Golola Moses of Uganda and the Hungarian. It was going to be televised, but I wanted to be there in person. It was at Hotel Africana, we live about 23km away. It was to happen in the dead of the night, I was ready for the inconvenience. Mark you, I was also six months pregnant and only a year in marriage! Shame on me. I remember hubby saying he would tag alongside me. It was big sacrifice on his end. His relationship with ‘things of the world’ has always been clear – not there!

At 14, I have accumulated loads of wisdom. As we journey forward, I will not make many promises. One thing that I am sure of is that I am in this union for the long haul. Fasten your belt, I ain’t going anywhere.  I will extend more grace, as I focus my perfectionism in things that matter, not the likes of the angle at which the bed sheet is laid. I want to travel the next journey lighter because we still have a long way to go, together.

I did then. I still do. I will do.

Happy 14th anniversary to us.

      Prim Tumuramye is a Christian wife, mother and Communications Specialist.