Listening Beyond Words: What Our Children Don’t Say After School or Work

By Dickson Tumuramye

Many parents are quick to ask, “How was your day or school today?” and the usual answer is a rehearsed “Fine” or “Okay.” The conversation ends, and life goes on. Yet behind that brief response could be a story waiting to be told, anxiety over grades, unspoken peer pressure, silent triumphs, or private heartbreaks. Children and young adults, whether in primary school or at university, or some who could be in the corporate world, often communicate more through what they don’t say than what they do.

Our children may be surrounded by noise at school or at work, but often they return home carrying unspoken burdens. Listening as a parent, therefore, requires more than hearing words; it demands tuning into the silences, gestures, moods, and unsaid stories.

While younger children may hide behind silence because they lack the words, older ones may retreat because they crave independence, fear judgment, or believe we won’t understand. Whether at home on holiday or navigating campus life or the corporate world, children communicate volumes through what they don’t say.

The Silence That Speaks

Children’s silence is rarely empty. When a teenager locks themself in their room or a university student avoids calls from home, there may be more beneath the surface. Silence could mean stress from academic demands, confusion about friendships, fear of disappointing expectations, or stress from his/her boss. For some, it may even be a shield against questions they cannot yet answer.

For parents, this silence is not a wall to break down with force but a window to look through carefully. If your child returns home from school or work unusually quiet, don’t dismiss it as “just being tired.” If your university son or daughter suddenly avoids family conversations, it may be time to check in with gentleness.

Why Children Don’t Always Talk

There are many reasons children hold back. Some fear that if they share their struggles, parents will get angry, preachy, or disappointed. Others think their problems are too small, too silly, or too shameful to mention. University students may stay silent because they don’t want to seem dependent, or they imagine parents are too busy to listen, and the working ones think they can handle everything on their own.

This silence does not mean they don’t need you. Quite the opposite, it is often a cry for presence, for a parent who notices, who asks again, who listens without rushing to fix.

Clues Beyond Words

If children do not always talk, how can parents know what is happening in their hearts? The key is to notice subtle changes.

It could be mood shifts; a bubbly child who suddenly grows withdrawn may be carrying something heavy, and it is important to be keen to new changes and act accordingly. Others could be loss of sleep and appetite, and this can signal stress. It could be the energy levels: “I’m just tired” may sometimes be more than fatigue; it could mean discouragement or depression. That body language, like slumped shoulders, avoiding eye contact, or forced smiles, all carry meaning that needs your attention.

Parents who listen beyond words train themselves to interpret these silent cues. It does not mean prying or spying. It means paying loving attention.

Creating Safe Listening Spaces

The way we respond when children do open up determines whether they will speak again next time. If a child says, “I failed my test,” and the parent’s first response is anger, the child learns to keep quiet. If a university student shares that they are struggling with friends and the parent mocks them for being “weak,” they learn that silence is safer.

Instead, create safe spaces where feelings are not met with judgment. Ask open-ended questions: “Tell me about the best and hardest part of today.” Share your own experiences of failure and growth so that they know you are human too. For young adults, respect their independence while reminding them that home is still a safe base they can always return to.

Listening is not just about words; it is about posture. Sit beside your child, put away your phone, and look into their eyes. Sometimes, silence shared together is enough to make them feel seen.

Building Trust Over Time

Children and young adults open up in their own time. Trust is not built in one conversation but in many small, consistent acts of presence. Showing up at their football match, preparing a meal together, taking a walk in the evening, or learning about their workplace environment; these create bonds stronger than interrogations.

Trust also grows when parents prove they can keep confidentiality. If a child shares a secret and the parent tells everyone else, the child learns to retreat. Listening beyond words requires patience, consistency, and empathy.

Why It Matters

The world our children live in is noisy, competitive, and often unforgiving. Peer comparisons, social media pressures,  academic and work demands weigh heavily on their shoulders. When home becomes just another place of interrogation or neglect, children carry their burdens alone, and young adults choose to leave home early enough and be on their own. But when home becomes a safe haven of listening, they discover the strength to face tomorrow.

Conclusion

Parenting is not about having all the answers but about creating room for the unspoken. By learning to listen beyond words, we assure our children that their feelings matter, their stories are safe, and their struggles are not theirs to bear alone. Whether your child is in school, back home for holidays, or navigating life at university or the workplace, the call is the same: listen with the heart. Sometimes, the loudest cry for help is spoken in silence.

The writer is the executive director of Hope Regeneration Africa, a parenting coach, marriage counselor, and founder of the Men of Purpose Mentorship Program.

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