Challenge Your Adult Children to Think Outside the Box
By Dickson Tumuramye
It
is difficult, but necessary, to let our adult children struggle a bit, think
critically, solve problems, and learn to stand on their own.
Stop
Spoon-Feeding Your Adult Children
Spoon-feeding
does not stop at childhood. Many adults remain dependent because their parents
never allow them to feel the weight of responsibility. A young man may be
earning a nice monthly salary, yet he still calls home every time he needs
rent. A married woman with a job may still run back to her parents for food,
fuel, airtime, or salon costs.
When
you keep rescuing adults at every turn, you unconsciously teach them that
someone else will always carry the burden for them, whether a parent, spouse,
or friend. That dependency mindset is dangerous, and it may not stop soon. It
weakens their discipline, disrupts their financial stability, and sets them up
for disappointment in their marriages and workplaces because they rely on
borrowing and handouts to sustain a lifestyle they cannot afford.
Nature
Has Lessons Parents Must Learn
In
nature, even the most nurturing animals know when to push their young away. The
eagle, for instance, reaches a point when it releases its eaglets into the air
and lets them fly or fall. That falling is not punishment; it is training. It
is how strength is formed. Even a cat will sometimes scare its kittens, so they
learn to survive beyond the nest.
If
animals understand the importance of gradually withdrawing support, why do we
humans struggle to apply the same principle? Why should your adult child be
married, yet you are still the one paying their rent and financing their meals?
When will they learn to budget, save, invest, or separate needs from wants?
Train
Them to Multiply Their Money
Rather
than being the solution to their mishaps, training them, rather than money, grows when it
is multiplied, not consumed. When adult children spend every coin and run back
to you for more, it is equivalent to eating all their eggs at once, forgetting
that hunger will return tomorrow. Therefore, tell them the hard truth to use
the little they have and save for tomorrow, or ignore them to stay in that
condition for them to appreciate and be on their own. After all, they won’t die
or fall sick. Sometimes, it is just a manipulation of the opportunities.
The
Lifestyle Trap: When Comfort Becomes a Prison
Many
parents are quietly sponsoring lifestyles they themselves cannot afford. Some
adult children earn decent salaries yet spend their evenings in costly
restaurants, drive cars they can barely maintain, and rent in high-end
apartments. Their wardrobes, outings, and entertainment habits swallow their
income before the month ends. Meanwhile, the same child who enjoys a lavish
lifestyle calls you for money to pay rent, eat, fuel the car, or clear debts.
Because you love them, you send mobile money or EFT transfers without
questioning their financial habits.
But
ask yourself: who is enabling this cycle? Some parents cannot afford or won’t
associate themselves with certain meals or places because they understand their
financial limits. Yet they sponsor adult children who live as if they have
unlimited income. Without realising it, both parent and child become trapped in
a harmful dependency dynamic. Who is to blame among the two people—the parents or
the child?
Let
Them Struggle—It Builds Muscles
Every
independent adult has one thing in common: they struggled somewhere. They felt
pressure. They made mistakes. They learned. Your adult children also need that
experience. If they completed school but still have not yet gotten jobs, ask
them to show you how many applications they have submitted online or job sites
they have visited every week, and the follow-ups done. This is not harsh; it
builds accountability.
If
they are working but financially irresponsible, let them face the consequences.
If rent is due, let them reorganize their salary. If they cannot afford their
favourite restaurants, let them cook at home. Growth begins when comfort ends.
Create
Healthy Problems for Them
Not
all problems are negative. Some are stepping stones. “Good problems” push us to
think harder, stretch further, and innovate. When you allow your adult children
to face manageable challenges, you help them unlock capabilities they didn’t
know they had.
Obstacles
present opportunities. When young adults face difficulties, they learn to find
solutions, to reflect, and to appreciate the sacrifices parents made. This is
how creativity, responsibility, accountability, and resilience are formed.
Practical
Steps Toward Independence
Withdraw
gradually, not abruptly, and reduce financial support step by step. Assign realistic responsibilities and let them pay for groceries, utilities, data, or fuel. Teach them budgeting and discipline as they learn to track their expenses and
set boundaries. Challenge their comfort zones by allowing a period of time
without parental rescue. Offer guidance, not rescue. Advise them, but resist
taking over their duties.
Conclusion:
It is a parent’s courage that shapes a child’s future. Allowing your adult children to struggle is not abandonment but empowerment. Your goal is not to raise dependent adults but resilient, self-sufficient human beings who can thrive without leaning on others. Challenge them. Stretch them. Give them space to fail and rise again.
When you push them to think outside the box, you give them the greatest
inheritance:
the ability to stand, decide, earn, and grow without depending on anyone.
The
writer is the executive director of Hope Regeneration Africa, a parenting
coach, marriage counselor, and founder of the Men of Purpose Mentorship Program.
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