Be Sensitive to How You Handle Competing Siblings
By Dickson Tumuramye
Having youngsters in the house who all demand attention, approval, acknowledgement when they have accomplished something is challenging. Sometimes you get fixed in the sibling rivalry and before you know it, you are an arbitrator trying to put things right.
It is sometimes not easy for parents to know that they are promoting siblings’ competition just because you want all of them to be active sometimes at the same time. And some comments like “don’t you see that your brother/sister is better than you?” Why can’t you be like your sister/brother who always does excellent work?” It becomes worse when you utter out negative words like “I doubt if you will make it in life.” “You are just stupid and useless.” “Look at you; you don’t even deserve to be my child.”
Such words are not just piercing like a double-edged sword in the mind of your child, they rather destroy the child’s self-confidence and esteem, create the rivalry more than the one between Cain and Abel and the relationship between the “favored” child/ren and the “worst” one(s) almost in everything in your eyes grows sour. If you are not sensitive, the “worst” one can result into doing things neglectfully because he/she feels worthless or competes highly and becomes successful than the “favored” one to prove a point.
Encouraging competition among siblings may not be a bad idea but the way you handle it matters a lot. Any encouragement between siblings should be geared towards promoting positive competition or hard work. It should not be done in a way of despising one another. It should carry meaning of showing the “weak” child that at least learns from your brother/sister. Remember, every child wants to be noticed as a special one, hardworking, knowing it all before the parents to attract their attention- the human nature. They want to also draw special connection with their parents and they will do all they can to accomplish that.
Others do things genuinely and frankly, they deserve appraisal or recognition. But you must also play your game wisely as a parent to make sure that you don’t lose anyone. If you praise Dickson today, tomorrow let it be John for another accomplishment. This will help them to know that they are all special though in a unique away. Each will make sure they perform perfectly in their respective capacities to earn their parents’ appreciation. As you implement this, you will be able to earn their attention all and develop their self-esteem because they all that they are special in the eyes of their parents.
But in case you also realize that there is unnecessary competition between siblings at any age, sit them down and team the spirit of team work. Let them know that with team work; together each achieves much than if it’s done individually. The strength of two people breaks a big born than one person. Help them to understand the consequences of competition among siblings like rivalry, fighting and at worse separation/divisions and/or can lead to death.
Our role as parents is to foster teamwork and unity amongst our children, show impartiality, love, togetherness and work towards achieving the big goal of the family, which I hope you have made clear to all of them.
The writer is a child advocate and parenting coach, Kampala
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