How Effective is Communication Effective in your Marriage?
By Dickson Tumuramye
When lovers are starting to
relate, it is like they cannot live without each other. They cannot take long
before calling each other to find out how they are. With an increase in
internet use and opportunities of social media, things have even become better
as connectivity is easier.
The same happens when a couple is
just married. All seem to be going on very well as if they are in a garden of
roses forever. You can’t expect that one day; this couple would ever face some
challenges which may put their communication at a halt. It is normal for every
marriage to have misunderstandings and face some challenges. However, the worst
comes when these challenges are not handled immediately and properly that they
may not grow into unresolved conflicts.
If this happens, it affects the
effective communication between the couple and more challenges may arise.
Eventually, some find it hard to even communicate; they reduce or cut off phone
calls, open communication and this affects intimacy. Some resort to communicating
using sms or WhatsApp messages and written letters or withdraw from each other.
By the time things reach this far, just know that things are getting beyond
control and a remedy need to be put in place immediately.
The Bible clears tells that “And don’t
sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still
angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil” (Ephesian 4:26-27-NLT). In
regard to these scriptures, there is no shortcut on communication but to
resolve any issues that may be in between the two of you immediately. Whether
there is anger or not, but as long as there is no talking between the two,
irritation will come.
It said that “communication is the
mortar that holds a relationship together – if it breaks down, the relationship
will crumble. When spouses no longer communicate,
a marriage nurtures no one. It
is no longer a marriage.” Poor
communication between the couples doesn’t only affect the two of you only but
also the people around them; children, family members and this may go far to
your workplace.
Effective communication is more
important in marriage to keep the fire burning. It calls for respect for each
other’s ideas and feelings. Everybody should feel free to express him/herself
at any time for a better relationship in your marriage.
Consider the following to improve
your communication effectively.
Active listening: When your partner is communicating something,
better be a good listener so that you understand what he/she is talking about.
Keep eye-to-eye contact so that you can also read from both verbal and
non-verbal gestures.
Allow free expression of emotions and don’t be quick to defend yourself:
During the conversation, always free feel or encourage your partner to express
her/his feelings freely so that you are able to understand the extent to which
your partner feels about a situation at hand whether good or bad. Some people
like to be quick to defend themselves even before the other party is done with
making a point of their feelings. Allow your spouse to finish and then you come
on board and give your side. This shows that you respect your partner and are
willing to have a fruitful, positive interaction.
Use the “I” language: In most cases when there are challenges
between couples, the grieved party wants to blame the other partner. And they
want to straight away say you did this etc. I have realized this brings
self-defense immediately. It would be better you begin by stating your feeling
or point by for example, “I feel……..” The bible tells us that “how can you say
to your brother, let me remove the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself
fail to see the plank in your own eye?” (Luke 6:42). Don’t use “you are this
and that……” “I” language makes your partner recognize their mistakes and
appreciate the need for discussion.
Show mutual respect: When communicating with your spouse especially
during a heated argument, it would be wise to respect your partner as part of
your life. Remember, the two were joined together and became one. We are
encouraged to submit to one another in the fear of the Lord (Eph. 5:21).
Submission and love cannot prevail where there is no respect for one another.
If you can’t respect yourself before your spouse, don’t expect him/her to do
so. Respect levels the ground for effective interaction and prohibits degrading
your spouse. Even if your opinions are different, but disagree to agree
amicably. This creates unity/oneness in diversity.
Marriage time (Me and You time): Good marriage thrives well when
couples intentionally create their own time together without any interference.
This time can be an hour daily, once weekly or according to your availability.
You need to set quality time apart whether it is your love language or not to
always have ample time to discuss your own love relationship, evaluate your
week, plans, accomplishments, challenges, etc. This makes you bond because it
helps the two to be so close and always interact accordingly. I know my friends
(a couple) who even have their own WhatsApp platform for the two of them. This
has helped them to always post anything and prioritize their communication
online than any other. Retreats that happen once in a while may not be enough
but weekly meetings or few minutes daily create a huge difference.
Love: Love is should be the ultimate in our relationship. Where
unconditional love exists, it will cover a multitude of sins because hatred
stirs strife (1 Peter 4:8, Prov. 10:12). Love is patient and
kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.
It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of
being wronged. It bears all things, never gives up, is always hopeful, and
endures through every circumstance. (1 Cor. 13:4-7). The reason the two of you
came together was because of love and affection. Keep as one and don’t allow
anything to destroy your love.
The writer is a parenting coach and a
marriage counselor
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