Manage Anger in your Marriage relationship.

By Dickson Tumuramye

Reflecting on Paul’s word on anger, “And don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” (Ephesian 4:26-27). This exactly shows that anger is real and it’s such a disease that can control you for life and cause you more trouble.

Anger does not only cause stress and unforgiveness but it can greatly result in sin and to the worst separation in marriage, murder, death among others. This is an aspect of life that needs your urgent attention to control as soon as yesterday. We have heard people who have killed their fiancées/spouse for different reasons or committed suicide. Anger can’t be separated from such evil acts.

The causes of anger are many and they range from selfish ambition, unforgiveness, lack of self-control, frustration, unresolved conflicts, lack of respect, insubordination, among others.  However, its consequences can be gross if not controlled. Anger can kill transparency, trust, companionship, mutual understanding, intimacy. Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth can speak a word that can break your spouse for life. Even if you repent and say sorry, the scars may remain big in someone’s life. Your tongue has both life and death.

Anger leads one to utter out many unnecessary words and these may stir more anger with the person you are talking too. Unfortunately, words can hurt and can hatch into sin. When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise (Proverbs 10:19). Reckless words pierce like a sword and ruin your marriage relationship.

How do we control anger?

Purpose not to let anger control you: When you are angry with your spouse, don’t hesitate to talk together about your feelings and share the way forward. If you keep quiet and let the sun go down on you, you will be stressing yourself for nothing. Talk about the issue immediately with your spouse and resolve any challenge before you sleep.

Improve your communication: Openness and transparency are very key in our marriages. Where these two are companions, anger will not so much exist. Sharing your feelings and frustrations will be so easier with your partner and seeking a solution will never be a hassle.

Read the word of God consistently: The word of God has the power to challenge and transform you. It is living and powerful like a double-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirits, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart (Hebrews 4:12). In otherward, it will guide you and powerfully crush the evil intentions of the devil, discern the evil spirits and give you the power to stand strong in Christ Jesus (Ephesians 6:10-18).

Desist from direct confrontation: Confrontation could be another challenge that drives people into quarreling and attacks. Anger tells you to face the person and prove your point. Usually, you end up getting out of your way. If confrontation is inevitable, let it be LOVE confrontation. This promotes the “I-care-enough-about-our-relationship-to-deal-with-this-issue-as-it-really-is”, and averts the “I-win-you-lose-because-I’m-right-you’re-wrong” position. It gives you the ground to discuss the issue-at-hand and resolve the conflict amicably.

Listen when your spouse is talking: However much reckless the talk maybe, paying attention and avoiding a direct exchange of words will silence more quarrels and fighting. You better listen carefully and keep silent and then talk together when your spouse or both of you are sober. Two wrongs can never solve a problem.

Control your emotions: It is very natural for people to respond to hurts with anger. Anger reacts your emotions to the extent of feeling hurting the other party or committing suicide. It stresses you and leaves you very peaceless. But when you control your emotions and calm down, you will recognize the importance of building your marriage on Christ’s foundation than being controlled by your human nature/carnal mind.

Tame your tongue: Tongue is compared with a small stick of a matchbox with sets ablaze the whole forest. The tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity (James 3:5-6). If not tamed, it can destroy your marriage. It has both life and death, it can bless and curse. Use it deliberately to the glory of God and to strengthen your marriage. Use it for words of affirmation not condemning and judgment which yield to love.

Purpose to live in peace with your spouse: This needs a deliberate effort amidst someone’s weaknesses. Peace is a fruit of the Holy Spirit and it comforts the heart and gives you rest. It helps you to think objectively and meditate on the positive side of your marriage/spouse.

Don’t avenge: Human nature tends to revenge but vengeance belongs to God (Romans 12:20). The word of God cautions us to be finally of one mind, compassionate, love one another, be tenderhearted and don’t revenge or turn no insult with an insult and refrain our tongue from evil and speaking deceit (1 Peter 3:8-10). Repay no one evil with evil. Don’t be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good (Romans 12:17,21).

Seek forgiveness from and God and your spouse: Forgiveness calls for humility to the point of accepting the mistake even when you are not the one in wrong. It heals the heart and connects you properly with God and your spouse. It brings both of you to your knees to seek God together and challenges you to reflect on the way forward for the sake of your marriage relationship. Forgive and forget and circumvent bringing back the past whichever party is seeking forgiveness.

Give your life to Christ: If you have never given your life to Christ, the good news is, do it so that you may gain the freedom to overcome the power of sin in your life. He makes you a new person and takes away the old nature. He gives you power to reconcile very well with your spouse/enemy and clothes you with His righteousness (2 Corinthians 5:17-21). Above all, you have eternal life in Christ Jesus, our Savior.

The writer is a parenting coach and a marriage counselor, Kampala

tumudickson@gmail.com