Helping your child cope with divorce - it matters for their mental health!

By Dickson Tumuramye

If there is anything hard in a marriage that a couple wished never happened to them in their relationship are death and divorce. By the time you think about marrying this partner, you have convinced yourself that this is the right person. But along the way sometimes things change and inevitable circumstances happen to tear you apart. It is a very painful moment and the most affected in this whole saga are children. The child’s hero in life and source of safety and sense of love are the parents. When marriage is on the verge of break-up, children are always entangled in the unresolved conflicts between Dad and Mummy, and most of the time they are very innocent and this affects them emotionally. Most couples never let their children know why they are divorcing. Others like to victimize the other party to show children that they are innocent but the other person is the one wrong. A few couples sit down with their children to share with them why they have decided to divorce and their future custody.

But whichever way, every divorce affects children and we would like to see how we can help them cope with this “tragedy”. Before parents’ divorce, usually, children have already tested their mess like abuse especially verbal. Children from divorced families may experience psychological challenges such as  conduct disorders, loneliness, shame, delinquency, accidents, guilt, increased stress, depression, lower life satisfaction, and impulsive behavior than those from two-parent families. Feelings of loss, anger, confusion, anxiety, and many others, all may come from this transition. Research shows that divorce can leave children feeling overwhelmed and emotionally sensitive. Children need an outlet for their emotions – someone to talk to, someone who will listen, someone who will show love, someone to lean on, etc. All this matters to their mental health!

As parents, you can take steps to reduce the psychological effects of divorce on your children and help them cope with it.

Maintain a healthy relationship with your children

It is true that with your spouse you have ended this relationship forever. Regardless of the circumstances that led to this divorce, children should get the liberty of communicating with each one of you. Allow your children to keep in touch with your Ex and avoid talking negative things about him/her in the presence of children. It affects them the more or creates deep hatred with either you or your Ex. A good relationship of parents with their children reduces anxiety, strengthens them emotionally, and keeps children with the identity of both parents.

Co-parent peacefully for the sake of your children’s holistic development

Where possible, bury your hatchet and co-parent together for the sake of these children. Allow the children to visit your Ex and keep in touch with both of you. You can involve your Ex in disciplining these children. Let each one of you keep contributing towards the holistic development of these children. Don’t leave the whole responsibility of parenting to one person. Don’t hide children from their mother/father. No one can love your children more than that parent.

Empower your children

When you have done all you can to keep your marriage and things didn’t work out, don’t live in self-pity or blame games that won’t add value to the new way of life. Sit down your children and tell them the truth that they will miss their mother/father but all will be well. Assure them that you will do all that it takes to keep them unconditionally loved, safe, and healthy. Teach them possible coping skills, talk about it where necessary without divulging too much detail, build their self-confidence, problem-solving skills among others, and let them learn how to move on.

 Provide quality time

Children will always require quality time with their parents whether divorced or not. But it gets more demanding when one spouse is not in the picture daily. Kindly ensure that you are available to be with them all the time they need you. Children affected by divorce are vulnerable and therefore can be taken advantage of because they are looking for love they miss from one parent. And if someone shows interest in giving what they miss, they can fall in the wrong hands. Be ready to give them counsel and speak to them regularly. Try as much as possible to fill the gap of their parent and be ready to answer their questions concerning anything in a very appropriate manner. Never be an absent parent to them unless you are making them vulnerable to external forces.

Monitor their academic performance

In the first days when parents have separated or divorced, children get so much affected and some tend to be withdrawn at school. Remember they are experiencing anxiety, stress, fear depression, and uncertainty of life. As such, their academic performance at school may go down. This is where you need to ensure that you monitor their school assignments, keep interested in their performance right away from school, do homework with them, and don’t stop encouraging them to study hard so that they can achieve their future dreams and make a difference.

Encourage them to express their emotions

As the parents get hurt so much with divorce and they always want to have support and someone to express their feelings, so do children experience the same. Remember, they may never understand why you failed to keep together with their mum/dad, they are facing daily challenges, they could be blaming one of you, they are not certain of their beautiful future among others. Allow them to express their feelings and pay attention, don’t interrupt or shut them up. It will help you to know what they are going through and how you can handle it.

Counseling and guidance

Where you can’t handle alone; children are stressed/depressed or need help, seek support from friends or professional counselors to talk to your children. You may also need a father-figure in their lives to keep talking to them and give them guidance from a man’s perspective. Always have sessions to discuss different issues of life and you will be able to demystify some myths they have about life and other things. Don’t let your children get mental challenges, seek help.

Trust in the Lord

When Abraham sent away his concubine Hagar and their son Ishmael, the child cried loud until God heard him and provided them water in the wilderness. “What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there. Lift the boy up and take him by the hand, for I will make him a great nation” (Genesis 21:17-18). You may be “wandering in the desert” as well with this situation. The Lord will always listen to your cry and the cry of your children and will show himself faithful if you pray and keep trusting him. He knows the future of your children and has very good plans for them to prosper them and not to harm them, and to give them a better future (Jeremiah 29:11). Take heart and let God who gave you these children be a father/mother. 

Pray for your children daily

No situation is permanent. Pray without accessing (1Thes. 5:17) for your children, be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God (Philippians 4:6). Let this be your daily priority of committing them before God who gave them to you. He will take care of them. 

The writer is a child advocate, parenting coach, marriage counselor & founder - Men of Purpose mentorship programme.

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Dickson Tumuramye is also a motivational speaker on:

#Positive parenting

#Marriage and family

#Child counseling 

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