Managing a long-distance marriage relationship
By Dickson Tumuramye
One of my friends experiencing it told me that
long-distance marriages are indeed a very great challenge for both spouses. This creates a gap that may never
be easy to fill. It affects your relationship and that of the children if you
have any. She added that with each passing day; the gap grows bigger. It also affects a great deal of your sexual life. At this point, it becomes a very good breeding
ground for unfaithfulness. There is a loss of interest in the things that you used to do together as a couple,
as we each will naturally find other ways to do it, which certainly will be
with other people. If it's not managed well, it could even cause one to get into a depression because there is a deep longing that
one has and may not be easy to share with other people.
Such challenges can be managed if a couple helps
each other to cope with them. This depends on several factors not limited to
the following.
Constant and consistent communication
Any marriage relationship flourishes well in
communication that is not only constant but also consistent. These days, there
are many channels of communication that should keep virtually connected. The
common one that is cheaper is social media and video conferencing platforms
like WhatsApp, Twitter, Facebook, Zoom, Microsoft teams, Skype, Instagram, etc.
Call, text, email, send photos and video, voice recordings, etc. In this way,
you can keep connected any time of the day, including with your family members.
Therefore, nothing should stop you from keeping in touch. Otherwise, you will
be like a saying that “out of sight is out of mind”. The closeness, if you were
together, will drift away steadily if one spouse goes silent.
Meet each other's emotional needs even at the distance
Feelings of loneliness can cause stress and
depression because of a lot of thoughts and moods that no one else may
understand. It is important for both of you to keep sharing such thoughts
together every time you chat and talk. Remember, an idle mind is a workshop of
the devil. When a person has a lot running in their mind, it affects them and
such negative thoughts can lead one into depression or even giving in to other
temptations in trying to keep busy or loved. Be present even
from a distance.
Agree on the time frame
If you are spouse is not far away and you have a
means of visiting each other, agree on the period when one should travel. Also,
agree on how long it should take when the one who left home should come back,
especially for your sake and children. This can be every weekend, once or
bi-monthly, annually, etc. depending on the distance and cost. If it is within
your means and you feel you can manage it, work on a travel schedule and plan
accordingly.
Healthy boundaries with friends
In the absence of your spouse, you may become
vulnerable and friends or any person may want to take advantage of and show
unexceptional love and care. If you are not careful enough, you may find
yourself in a situation that you can’t control. It is better you keep a
distance from trials and temptations that can render you fall in love with your
friend of another sex or your in-laws.
Have a very good support system
You can’t remain isolated and think you will
manage. You need a strong support system of relatives, friends, family, and
fellowship/church to keep you going. If you have children, spend quality with
them and don’t allow them to be affected negatively. Fill that gap with your
spouse. When my wife was away for further studies, I had 3 very young babies
with the eldest at 4 years old. But my friends and fellowship members remained
close to me. They helped to take care of the children and checked on us
regularly, and this kept me going until she was back.
Find something to keep you busy
My friend with a spouse outside Uganda for close to
3 years told me she did a bakery class, went back to school, and ensured that she keeps herself busier.
As such, she has seen days pass by and she does not fully feel lonely. You can
also think of what can keep you and your children busy and active to avoid some
“emptiness”.
Prayer and trust in the Lord
The Psalmist says I will look at unto the hill from
where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord…(Psalm 121:1), He is
our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1). This
means that if you put your trust in God and seek help in your weaknesses, he is
very present, he promised not to forsake us or leave us alone. He will be your
counselor and comforter when you feel overwhelmed.
the writer is a child advocate, parenting coach,
marriage counselor, founder—Men of Purpose mentorship programme
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