Conflict management among siblings
By Dickson Tumuramye
Many times, siblings
are supposed to be at least friends since they share the same blood and suckle
the same breasts. These are mostly people that have been raised together. They
are expected to be a bit closer to one another. But some of them fail to be
compatible with each other along the way. It could result from individual
temperaments, concerns with fairness, poor parenting skills, failure to
understand each child’s love language, lack of social skills, contending for
parental attention, external issues, peer
pressure, and parents’ insensitivity in giving favors.
They could compete
among themselves, be emotional, yell or fight almost every time, grow when they
can’t talk to each other, and resolve conflicts when they are young or adults.
It happens at any stage of development. Whichever way, you must create an
enabling environment in their lives where they can live together and thrive
well.
Don’t
show partiality and favoritism
Show fairness in
treating your children. Every child is unique and special in their own way. One
may succeed in one area and another child in another way. Don’t fix your eyes
on one child and treat him/her better than others, especially
where there is not much of an age difference between them. Don’t overpraise one
and deride another. The one that you may loathe today may be better tomorrow
than the rest. Promote each child’s unique abilities in a special way without
sidelining some and favoring others. When they have grown up, each will take
his/her route and they will all become successful. Treat them fairly and equally
in their respective efficacious opportunities.
Recognize
the problem and act
As a parent, you may
detect that siblings are not on good terms with each other, whether among your
young or adult children, and you need to act immediately to arbitrate their
wrangles. It is not uncommon for family members to have misunderstandings, but
these should not yield to a point of serious
wrangles. This creates stressful moments for the whole family. A
parent should always seek all possible ways to reconcile the conflicting
parties and keep his/her family together. You are the epitome of leadership and
a symbol of authority. Your involvement can make a big difference in
harmonizing the situation. Where there is a need, hold family meetings and let
each party express their grievances until a solution is sought that favors
everyone. And set clear rules on conflict management in your home and where possible reporting procedures.
Give
them space to solve their own issues
Some siblings’
rivalries or complaints, especially among young ones, may not need your
immediate attention. This is where you need to leave them to argue and settle
their issues among themselves. You show them that they need to mature and
handle their issues without any external intervention
– a space of independence. But you keep
observing the trend of events so that it does not escalate to what you do not
want to happen until your intervention is inevitable.
Give
each child separate attention
Your daughter or son
may exhibit feelings of rage and resentment. Some children may seek to attract
your special attention and recognition, and this may cause jealousy and rivalry
from other siblings. If such is a case, you may need to ensure that you protect
such a child from others’ “bad-eye/feelings”. You can also try to have
one-on-one discussions, outings, and a movie night
and provide quality time for each of them to make each feel valued and special.
See how you also handle the person trying to be moody and calm him/her down so
that s/he may reduce expectations.
Open
communication
In each conflict
resolution attempt, there is a need for very effective and open communication
from all parties. Listen attentively. Let the grieved parties express
themselves and minimize direct confrontations if in a meeting. But you, as a
parent, try to always communicate your position positively without taking
sides. Allow decision-making to be open to everyone. Encourage your children to
always speak out when grieved or when a conflict arises. When you get to know,
even if it’s from other sources or when you are informed by a grieved party, don’t keep quiet. Take an
action
and create peace in your family.
Bring
in other stakeholders.
When you realize you
can no longer handle it alone as parents, engage other siblings. When it does
not work, allow other members of the family or close friends to get on board to
help in negotiations and reconciliation. You can use
the friends/siblings to interact with each at a
personal level separately, or invite the two parties together and listen to
them.
Encourage
compromise
In a life of
challenges, we look for a win-win situation, not a lose-win one, but sometimes
both may work at some point. You can encourage your children to see how one can
set back and control emotions while you all study the situation or stop the
conflict. Where one can give in and let the other party be for the sake of
peace, encourage that. Let there be a point of compromise, as we always do in
marriage, and it solves the problem once and forever, as long as it will not leave
one person doing it just out of coercion. There may be no straightforward
format for solving a conflict, but depending on the circumstances, you may use
wisdom like King Solomon did with the two women who were fighting over dead and
alive children (1 Kings 3:16–28).
Allow the law to take its course
Where justice/law has
to take its course, let it happen, and keep your peace if you have done all
your best but nothing arose from your initiatives. When your adults choose to
settle their issues in court after all efforts of reconciliation in your means
yielded nothing, give them a chance without any threats. This may bring a
lasting solution and comfort to a family.
In all, whatever the
situation that may arise from a rivalry or conflict among siblings, parents
should be at the centre of putting their houses in order as we raise these
children into responsible and caring adults. There may be no time when
conflicts will not be there from childhood to adulthood. Even when they are
married, couples will always conflict, and as a parent on both sides, you will
need to be good at ensuring all parties are happy and life is better in your family, there is peace and harmony all the time. Where things go
beyond your means, there may be nothing to do and you can’t keep your head
buried in the sand.
The
writer is a child advocate, parenting coach, marriage counselor, and founder –
Men of Purpose mentorship program
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Dickson Tumuramye is also a motivational speaker on:
#Positive parenting
#Marriage and family
#Child counseling
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