Handling a contentious spouse
King Solomon wrote that “it is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop (on the flat oriental roof, exposed to all kinds of weather) than in a house shared with a nagging, quarrelsome, and faultfinding woman (Proverbs 21:9 – Amp). He adds that “it is better to live alone in the desert than with a contentious and ill-tempered wife (Proverbs 21:19). Such a wife is a constant drip. He focused only on women but we also know that there are husbands who are toxic, violent, and brawling and are more troublesome than nagging and quarrelsome wives.
The whole point here is that every quarrelsome and contentious spouse is more problematic. You need a very understanding and patient spouse with whom you can move along together regardless of the circumstances around you. However, the scriptures do not say that you should walk out of your marriage, rather, they describe what occurs in marriage. Sometimes, avoiding a spouse or keeping quiet about someone’s character may not be a solution. You may need to be open to your spouse about your feelings about his/her reactions. Be clear and concise in your communication. Don’t talk when you are angry. You may further damage the situation.
It is very uncomfortable to have a partner who is irritating. It takes away your peace. It can be stressful. That is why some men decide to go back to their homes after work late at night. Others find consolation in drinking. But you can be deliberate about dealing with your irritating spouse so that you don't lose your marriage.
Try to focus on the positive rather than the negative. There are spouses who naturally have a contentious spirit. It may take you longer to change them. You don’t even have to work towards changing them. Do not focus on their negative behaviors or actions that cause you to argue and irritate your spouse, but rather on the good that they do.
Be mindful that your spouse is not an angel and we all have our own weaknesses and strengths. He/she may be weak in one area but very proficient in another. Someone can't be too bad at everything. There is another side of the coin that you need to discover. As a partner, also look out for ways to improve the parts of your spouse that irritate you. Other than grumbling about them, look at how effectively you can deal with them personally without attacking each other. Work on yourself as well.
Guard yourself intentionally from toxic words and negative criticism if you are the one affected. A nagging spouse can say anything at anytime, anywhere. They may not mind about the environment around you at that time. Most of them are not even sensitive to your feelings. They think that when you are irritated, you will respond positively. But most of the time this pushes them to the defensive side.
Take time to recognize the source of the problem and reflect on how you can deal with it. Don’t withdraw and distance yourself. Imagine you have that beautiful home where you are uncomfortable living with that spouse! Would you manage to spend your time on top of the roof regardless of the weather? I bet you would! Can you separate or divorce your spouse because of her/his nagging behavior? It may not work out easily. Yet you need a peaceful environment to live happily with your spouse and children. Appreciate the criticism and see where you can fix the errors. There can’t be smoke without fire.
Create time to be with your spouse and refrain from playing games when you are together. Seek forgiveness with each other and seek the continuity of a meaningful relationship. Focus on a long-lasting relationship rather than a hell-on-earth marriage. The contentious and irritating spouse should also check his/her character. Put yourself in your spouse's shoes and ask yourself if it were you, would you tolerate that? Lead by example so that your spouse can appreciate your character and take it on.
Protect your children from your issues as a couple. These innocent souls should not be entangled in your battles. They don't need to realize that there is any problem between the two of you. Keep them far from your conflicts or misunderstandings.
The writer is a child advocate, parenting coach, marriage counselor, and founder-Men of Purpose mentorship programme.
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Dickson Tumuramye is also a motivational speaker on:
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