Raising an independent child

By Dickson Tumuramye

We try our best to pamper our children and provide them with almost all we can. We think for them even when they are adults. We ensure that we are in charge of their lives and must see them succeed at whatever cost. This is the reason why most of us work very hard, save and invest for their future.

It is now so common among the corporate class parents to have house helpers who do everything for children right from childhood to adulthood. Unfortunately, it is these nannies and shamba boys in our homes that are in charge of all family affairs, and our children are like bosses. All they know how to do is to sleep, wake up, eat, play, be taken for an outing, and have nothing to do with house chores or engaging in any meaningful activity at home.

I know of people who can’t even wash their own underwear or cook anything for themselves. When they try to prepare a meal, it is rice in a rice cooker, wash clothes in a washing machine, or they hire people to wash everything for them.

There are children in our homes as old as 10-years-old who can’t bathe or dress themselves. They need help daily. Such children can’t even wash their underwear, make a bed, sweep or mop their bedrooms. Their parents feel that is too much for them, otherwise what is the purpose of a nanny in the house? It looks trendy to raise children who can’t do any work at home.

 

We think we are helping these children, but they are totally dependent on you. Without you, they can’t manage on their own.

 

There are parents who believe that their older children can’t use public transport. Using a boda boda is like an abomination and the worst that can happen to them. Some parents feel they suffered a lot in their childhood and so their children shouldn’t go through the same.

 

They, therefore, do everything for their children. They are not allowed to take the utensils they have used from the dining table to the sink, not even to take their clothes to the laundry. It is either mummy or a nanny to do that.

 

Some parents want to accompany their children on their first date with a potential future spouse. They don’t trust their children to do anything without them. Some parents get girl/boyfriends for their children, and they have to be from a certain class or family.

 

All of the above may not be bad, but you are not helping this child but making her/him reliant on you/others. Such children don’t have critical thinking, and problem-solving skills and lack enough exposure to creativity. It is good to love our children and pamper them, but let us not spoil them. Teach them to work and let them learn hard skills as well. These children will soon be out of your home and will have to juggle life alone. Will you also follow them to their homes to work for them?

 

Remember, you are raising someone’s wife or husband. Would you be comfortable having a daughter or son-in-law who can’t do any house chores? Our children should have simple home management basics like making their bed! Involve children in house chores. Don’t do things that they can do for themselves.

Respect their space, especially if they are out of school (23 years old or above).

Don’t be worried or upset when your child tries to work at something and fails. It is better to try and fail than not try anything. You can never fail at nothing.

 

Let them make mistakes and you positively correct them. Train them in the things you are doing for them and let them be multi-skilled. Give them an opportunity to try what interests them.

 

Let the adults get out of their comfort zones. You can’t keep babysitting them. Assign them various responsibilities and targets to achieve in a given period of time. Remind them that tomorrow may be harsh for them without the necessary soft and hard skills. Focus on their best potential and celebrate every milestone. Don’t pamper those adults in your house.

 

Raise them to be independent and fully self-supporting in your absence. It gives them a sense of growth, importance, and belonging. You are also nurturing them to stand on their own and make informed decisions.

 

The writer is a child advocate, parenting coach, marriage counselor and founder Men of Purpose mentorship program

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Dickson Tumuramye is also a motivational speaker on:

#Positive parenting

#Marriage and family

#Child counseling

#Career guidance