Fostering Good Relationships in Blending Families
By Dickson Tumuramye
Blending
families also known as stepfamilies happen
when you and your new partner make a life together with the children from one
or both of your previous relationships. Blending families
involves integrating individuals with different backgrounds and experiences.
They also involve unique new family
dynamics, cultural considerations and sensitivities. I have seen remarriages
work among my friends who are even Christians and they are living happily than
when they were single parents. Some of these families
have been very successful in integrating while others have failed or struggled
especially where children can’t be tolerant to each other. Blending families
can be a complex and challenging process, especially when it comes to
integrating children from previous relationships.
Several
issues can arise in this situation, including, family bonding, siblings’ rivalry,
child resentment and resistance, acceptance, financial consideration, loyalty,
different parenting styles and expectations, negative external influences from
relatives and in-laws, failure to adjust among others.
There could be many challenges at
hand that may scare you but when you are positive about your new relationship,
marriage and blending families can be a blessing. You can consider these tips
are you dream to engage in a blended family.
Understand well the
person you are marrying or marrying you
I
usually tell my friends or clients that remarriage in this era is not bad so
long as you feel comfortable about it. However, if a man proposes, first get to
know why choosing you at this particular time? How long has he/she been alone?
How many children does he/she has? What happened to the first relationship? Issues
of children and their behavior among many others. I am sure that by the time
you propose as a man, you have seen and known this person a little more. But still
get into details before you get into issues of marriage. This love should not
be geared by any materialism or out of desperate situations lest you fall into
trouble later.
Share with your
children
When
you are fully convinced that you are getting into this new marriage that may
also have children, please share with your children too. Let me be part of the decision-making
and transition process. They need to know early enough most of the things and
ally their fears and anxiety. I have seen some stepparents who are rejected by their
stepchildren from the word go as they feel this one has come to take over their
parents’ property. The struggle begins immediately, especially where both
children were not well prepared for smooth integration. If possible, introduce
your children beforehand to both of you as new parents and first build a relationship
before the integration.
Respect for cultural and
family traditions
You
may be getting into a family with different cultural traditions and family
values. This calls for acknowledgment and respect as you integrate them into
your own family and try to see how to balance them. There are traditions and
value systems that both children in these blended families have been used to
and now they have to adapt to new ones, especially from the lady’s side. Teach both
your children to be flexible as you get used to each other. But also set your
own traditions and family values that now best suit the blended families. Nonetheless,
don’t change everything immediately. Some things can be brought in afresh as
and when necessary depending on the circumstances. Learning here is a process and
everyone must feel a sense of belonging.
Involve the extended
family
We
all have extended families where we come from and these also should not be
ignored as you take this new decision. Some will approve it and others will be
critical of it. But as long as you are convinced and you have support from your
children and the new spouse, stand your ground. In all, seek their support,
advice, and blessings in blending with a new family. Both children will still
need their family tree identity especially the ones for the lady. At some
point, they may choose to go back to their biological father’s home for their
inheritance and belonging. In such arrangements, you can also involve church
leaders and trusted opinion leaders for their support and blessing as well.
Open and clear communication
You
need to establish open lines of communication among all family members and encourage
everyone to express their feelings, concerns, and expectations. Challenges of
mistrust, suspicion, anger, hatred, sibling rivalry, a lot of sensitivity will
always be there but you must allow people to open up so that you know what is
their mind and how to solve any grievance among your family and deter family
conflicts.
Define roles and responsibilities
In
these new blended families where people had their own way of life are not so
easy to integrate. Study all the children and understand their strengths and
weaknesses. Also, clearly define roles within the blended family to avoid
confusion and reservations. If the husband’s children are old and yours as a
lady are still young, how are they going to cooperate and keep the family
moving? What is the role of each child? What are your expectations? First, agree
as parents and share with your children openly while allowing them to express
their views and make informed decisions together.
Adopt new family boundaries
Each
family had their own set rules and boundaries. But now it is a new setting and
environment with different backgrounds. Share what can now work well for both of
you to minimize conflicts, intrigue, and clicks among the children and
relatives. Close the loop when conflicts emerge and leave no chance for negative
internal and external influence. Establish consistent routines and rules within
the new family structure. Consistency provides a sense of stability and
predictability for all family members.
Issues of religion
and spiritual beliefs
There
are instances where the blended families have different religious backgrounds
and spiritual beliefs. Changing religions may not be necessary but there must
be cohesion in a family. You must agree early enough before marriage union how
such different religions will be incorporated especially among children. Will the
children and a parent continue with their own churches or different worship places?
How will you manage the spiritual nourishment of your blended families,
devotions and family alters? Such issues should be well agreed upon beforehand
and during the family bonding process. But as much as possible, marry from a
family where you share the same spiritual beliefs and religion to foster unity
in a blended home.
Build relationships gradually
Life
may not be on a silver plate as these two different families now come together.
It would be worse if the children were not involved before or did not fully
approve of the new marriage/blending families’ relationship. Allow
relationships to develop naturally rather than forcing immediate connections. Foster
one-on-one connections between new stepparents and stepchildren. Encourage
shared activities to build bonds, such as family outings, birthday and
anniversary celebrations, games, movie nights, family gatherings and meetings,
celebrate achievements and milestones, etc. Avoid sidelining so much with your
first family because all these children now belong to you. Ensure you help all
children to build relationships and bonds. And as parents, be good role models
to demonstrate how this should be well done in your blended family.
Encourage positive co-parenting
If
you demonstrate a positive relationship as parents, raising these children may
not be so complex because you understand each other and openly share. Therefore,
foster a positive relationship between biological parents and among you as
partners for the well-being of the children and family. Keep communication
respectful and child-focused when discussing parenting decisions. This will
bring sanity and build a sense of belonging in your blended families.
Emotional adjustment
As families
blend especially as a result of the loss of one parent, children may experience
feelings of loss, grief, and resentment as they adjust to the new family
dynamics, and may struggle to accept their stepparent and stepsiblings. You don’t
need to coerce them or use inappropriate words to counsel or discipline them. It’s
your responsibility to remain neutral as you help them to love, accept, understand,
and tolerate each other. You need to minimize instances where children will
fight against the stepparent and siblings and ensure their emotional
well-being.
Educational and career growth
Children
may come together at different levels of education and career advancement. Some
may be old enough and have their own way of life as well as economic
opportunities. This needs both parents to discuss transparently and plan for
education and career advancement as well as economic opportunities for all children.
Consider your financial stamina, and how each one’s expectations may impact decisions
regarding education and career choices. Agree on how the following will be
handled; issues of school fees and other requirements, visitation days, homework
and holiday packages, dropping and picking of children from school daily or at
the end of the term, how much will each contribute including your working
children and let everything be clear to you parents and children.
Child counseling
As
parents who are remarried may feel happy and excited about it each other, some
children may still feel betrayed, anxious, envious, or may experience stiff competition
from stepsiblings. Some may still be comparing their past life as better than
in such a blended home. And the feelings may be obvious. As a parent, have time
to talk to your children either individually or as a team so that they can fit
well in this new environment. Counsel them and please show your maximum
presence and total love and encourage them to love their stepparent and
siblings. If you fail, engage the stepparent to counsel them or any other professional
counselor or a trusted friend.
Protect your children
from developing sexual relations in a new home
These
children may develop relationships among stepsiblings or even with their stepfather
and this can get into sexual intimacy. This is one thing any parent does not want
to dream about. But don’t shy away from warning your children that love grows
and gradually develops into deep connections of the heart. Never take things
for granted, especially in this era. They should look at each other as real
siblings and the stepparent as the true Dad/Mummy and therefore any sexual intimacy
between them is a total abomination and a sin before God.
In
all, it's
important for all members of the blended family to openly discuss their
feelings, set boundaries, and work together to create a supportive and
inclusive environment for everyone involved.
The writer is the
Executive Director of Hope Regeneration Africa, parenting coach, marriage
counselor, and founder – Men of Purpose mentorship programme.
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Dickson Tumuramye is also a passionate speaker on:
#Positive parenting
#Marriage and family
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