Balancing Discipline and Encouragement in Parenting

By Dickson Tumuramye

It’s common for children to error and annoy parents or teachers. As a result, some parents or teachers use either force or harsh words thinking they are disciplining a child and correcting them, directing them to the right path. They don’t realize that their discipline measures are more or less a punishment and their words affect the child emotionally and lowers their self-esteem.

I trust no parent wants to raise a child with low self-esteem, full of fear and self-rejection. Such a child struggles a lot in life and you too struggle parenting this child but you never recognize the source of the problem. The problem could be you, and your disciplinary strategy and discouraging words.

As the school term gains momentum, many parents find themselves caught between two extremes; being too strict or too lenient with their children for various reasons. It could be about homework, revision, night preps either at home or school, and chores among others. Striking a balance between discipline and encouragement is crucial in shaping responsible, confident, and motivated learners.

Why Discipline Matters?

In your parenting journey even for teachers, know that discipline helps children develop self-control, responsibility, self-worth, attach value, and respect for rules. Without it, children may struggle with structure, deadlines, and respect for authority. However, discipline should not be about punishment; rather, it should focus on guiding children toward making better choices.

Even where the Bible says “Spare the rod and spoil the child” (Proverbs 13:24), it doesn’t mean physical or emotional punishment or the use of excessive energy to show a child that he deserved the punishment. It simply means that you need to take appropriate action at the right time, in the right way, and guide your child. Some parents never have time to correct and guide their children when they are moving astray. Teachers should also learn how to deal with a learner appropriately.

The Role of Encouragement

While discipline sets boundaries, encouragement fosters a child’s self-esteem and willingness to learn. A child who only hears about their mistakes may become discouraged or anxious, while one who is constantly praised without correction may develop a sense of entitlement. Encouragement reassures children that they are capable, even when they face challenges. Therefore, there is a need to balance between emphasizing discipline with “strong” words and praises all the time.

How to Balance Discipline and Encouragement

Set Clear Expectations

Let children know what is expected of them in terms of behaviour, academics, rights, and responsibilities. For instance, if they have homework, make it clear that it must be completed before leisure activities. Make everything plainly clear to them.

Use Positive Reinforcement

Instead of only pointing out mistakes always, recognize effort and progress. Phrases like, “I noticed how hard you worked on your assignment, keep it up!”, “I didn’t like how you did that, do it like this next time” can boost a child’s confidence.

Be Firm but Fair

When rules are broken, address the issue calmly and consistently. Avoid yelling or harsh punishments, as they may instill fear or defensive mechanisms rather than understanding, recognizing the mistake and changing. Instead, explain the consequences of their actions and offer guidance on making better choices and ask them to suggest disciplinary actions when they break the rules again. The response will be more positive.

Role modeling

Parenting is not for the faint-hearted. Model the behavior you expect children to learn more from what you do than what you say. If you want them to be respectful and disciplined, demonstrate these qualities in your daily life.

Encourage Open Communication

Days have changed and we must come to terms with it. Allow children to express their thoughts and feelings. If they struggle with discipline, listen to their concerns and work together to find solutions. A child who feels heard is more likely to cooperate. Practice dialogue rather than instructions.

Celebrate Small Wins

Acknowledging achievements, no matter how small, motivates children to keep improving. A simple “I’m proud of you” can go a long way in reinforcing positive behavior, as opposed to “I wish I were not your mother/father” or “You will always remain stupid.”

Conclusion

Balancing discipline and encouragement is not about being a strict authoritarian or an overly permissive parent. It is about setting boundaries while nurturing a child’s confidence. When done right, discipline becomes a tool for growth, and encouragement becomes a source of strength, creating well-rounded individuals ready to take on life’s challenges.

The writer is the executive director of Hope Regeneration Africa, a parenting coach, marriage counselor, and founder of the Men of Purpose mentorship program

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Dickson Tumuramye is also a passionate speaker on:

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