What Are Your Children Learning from Watching You?
By Dickson Tumuramye
Parents spend a lot of time telling
children what to do. “Respect elders.” “Tell the truth.” “Control your temper.”
“Work hard.” “Treat people well.” “Keep your word." "Don't abuse your teachers.”
Yet there is something children are watching that may be more powerful than
everything we tell them: us.
Your child is watching how you
speak to their teachers, respond to your spouse, how you treat people who serve
you, how you respond when you are angry, how you handle money, how you react
when you make a mistake, and how you behave when nobody is apparently watching.
The uncomfortable question for
every parent is, "What are our children learning from us without us ever sitting
them down to teach it? Children copy what they see and then act on it today
or tomorrow. A child may hear you say that shouting is wrong, yet watch you
insult your spouse whenever you disagree, and listen when you are talking badly
about a teacher or a neighbour. They may be told to apologise when they hurt someone but never hear you say, “I am sorry.”
You may warn your children against
lying, but ask them to tell the teacher at school that “Daddy is sick and can’t
pay my school fees," or tell a caller, “Daddy is not around,” when you are
sitting in the house. You may demand that your child respect domestic workers
while speaking to them harshly.
Children notice these
contradictions. They may not challenge you today, but they are storing them
away as examples of how adults behave.
Your marriage is teaching them
Children learn about relationships
partly by watching their parents. They observe how couples disagree, resolve
conflict, show affection, share responsibilities, and speak about each other
when the other person is absent. If a child repeatedly sees insults,
intimidation, prolonged silence, or disrespect, they may begin to regard these
behaviours as normal parts of relationships.
On the other hand, when children
see parents disagree respectfully, apologise, forgive, and work through
difficulties, they learn that conflict does not have to destroy love. Parents
should therefore ask themselves, "If my child chooses a spouse who treats them
exactly the way I treat my spouse, will I be comfortable with that choice?" That
question should make us think.
They are also watching how you
treat other people
Your child’s character is being
shaped when you interact with the waiter, security guard, boda rider, house
help, teacher, neighbour or elderly person. Children notice whether respect
depends on someone’s social status.
If you are polite to people who are
powerful but rude to those who serve you, your child may learn that kindness is
a strategy rather than a character trait. If you cheat someone and celebrate because
you “got away with it,” you may be teaching your child that success matters
more than integrity.
They watch how you handle failure
Parents sometimes want children to
believe that successful people never fail. But children need to see adults
handle disappointment constructively. When you lose a job, face financial difficulties, or make a business mistake, or fail at something important, how do
you respond? Do you blame everyone? Do you become abusive? Do you give up? Or
do you say, “This is difficult, but we will work through it”?
That response may teach
resilience more effectively than a motivational speech. Your ordinary habits
are lessons too. Children watch how you spend money, whether you keep time,
whether you read, how you use your free time, and how you care for your health
and home.
They notice whether you keep
promises.
They notice whether you are always
on your phone. They notice whether you come home and immediately disappear
behind a screen or make time for the family. They notice whether you contribute
to household responsibilities or believe certain duties belong automatically to
women. You may think these are ordinary adult behaviours. To a child, they are
lessons. So, what should parents do?
Start by observing yourself.
Ask your spouse what your children
may be learning from you. Ask an older child, honestly, “What do you think I
teach you through the way I live?” or, during your fun moments, ask them to tell
you what they think about you.
Do not become defensive when the
answer is uncomfortable. Identify one behaviour that contradicts what you
expect from your children and work on changing it. And when you fail, let your
children see you repair the mistake.
You do not need to become a perfect
parent.
Our children know us well. You need
to become an authentic one—someone whose life does not constantly contradict
their teaching. Because one day, your children will leave your home carrying
more than the education you paid for.
They will carry your voice, your
habits, your attitudes, your values, and your example. So before asking, “What
kind of child am I raising?” Perhaps we should first ask, "What kind of adult
am I showing my child how to become?”
The writer is the Executive
Director of Hope Regeneration Africa, Parenting Coach, Marriage Counsellor, and
Founder of the Men of Purpose Mentorship Programme.
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